I have finally managed to piss off everyone around me.

I admit to spending hours and hours messaging various people on IRC about how I'm supposed to act around my ex. But around last week I finally hit the point of "screw it, I'll do what I like," and actually went and saw him a few times. It went really well, not nastily uncomfortable, it was fun. I actually felt good, and I haven't really done that in months.

So today (Friday) I find out in conversation with him that "everybody" (according to him- not that he can remember who "everybody" is, but the list of suspects is quite small) has been telling him that since he started hanging out with me again I've been telling them how I think we're going to get back together. So of course he believes them and once again gives me the "it's not gonna happen" lecture- I'm getting really tired of that. I got the point months ago. Stop already.

I never said that to anyone. Nor have I been thinking it (I know better). The closest this has gotten in conversation was with this one friend of mine (C.) he doesn't get along with at the moment (and who I didn't even think he was talking to much at this point), who said Thursday that she thought he might get back together with me, and I said that was a nice thought, but I didn't think it was gonna happen.

He said that "everybody" was complaining that I message them for hours at a time going on and on about him and they're REALLY REALLY sick of it and can't I message them about something they are interested in, or find a new obsession, or just not message everyone as much. And of course, the general message here is "Just shut up and stop talking about how you feel and BE HAPPY ALREADY!!!!!!!!!"

Seeing how many people I know who are depressed (clinically!), you'd think they'd get it ain't that easy! I'm seeing a counselor AND just took up group therapy, and it still ain't making me "happy" again.

And I haven't been as bad in recent weeks, really. I get that I'm annoying, but I thought I was getting better at it...at least, I basically talk about him with C. (who has her own issues there with him). And if she was saying this to him, I'm pretty hurt...it doesn't seem like something she'd do.

Other suspects in the "everybody" category is his best friend (P.), who is a friend of mine, but I don't talk to her much because I've been told she's sick of hearing about him from me (I think I've talked to her maybe three or four times about him in the past couple of months). Her I can easily see bitching...but I haven't er, talked to her about this much lately.

Another one is my roommate (who is also usually depressed, said last night that it hurt to watch me like that)- but since I haven't talked to her that much lately either...

Other than those people, I don't message many folks privately for very long. Knowing him "everybody" probably amounts to just P. complaining, but still, this makes me feel shitty. Obviously I'm just not going to message anyone for quite awhile, since I've burnt out everyone (but shoot, who am I gonna talk to when I have to wait a week between counseling appointments?)...but to get bitched at for hanging around him and for people to come up with things like this...

It feels like I do something wrong no matter what I do. I was avoiding him (which one guy who barely knows me was bitching at me to do last night) in trying to get over him for awhile. It made me feel like dogshit. Hanging around him trying to be normal actually made me feel better, more normal- and now I feel like I can't do that either, or else people are going to say things about me!

If I do what's "good for me" (i.e. never speak to him), I feel awful. If I do what makes me feel good for once, other people make me feel awful. What the hell do I do? Am I always, always wrong in what I choose? Do I have to choose deliberately to make myself feel worse because it's "good for me?"

I doubt anyone else is reading by now, either. Oh well. So be it.

Good thing I don't have wallpaper in here, or I'd really go nuts.