Jennifer - February 26, 2000

February 26, 2000

(I'm practicing for applying to nonfiction writing next quarter. Please bear with me, as I found enough information to do a series =)

"If you follow their rules for dating and courting, including being chaste and mysterious for as long as possible, you'll get a proposal, followed by marriage, from a man who'll love you forever."

The Rules: What's Wrong With This Picture?
"Forget women's lib and welcome to the 1950's" -Karina Rollins
"'If you act busy, then men will stalk you!' That's all The Rules Gals have to say, as they single-handedly reinstate the predator/prey dating mores of the Eisenhower era." -Curtis Bonney
"NO GUY WANTS TO DATE A RULES GIRL! Most guys actually get pissed off when you don't call them back. And they like it if you talk to them." -Anonymous reviewer
"In today's hustle bustle world where women want to get ahead and gain their independence why do they drop back to forty years ago and wait for guys to make the first move?" OK Seriously

I've always wanted to comment on "The Rules," as from what I've heard, they seem to mix in some sensible ideas with some that I find to be detrimental to society and relations between the sexes.

It seems like our culture is going through a neo-50's period. From free love to no sex, from pro-choice to pro-life, from stay single to marry ASAP- returning to the traditional status quo. While STD's, statistics about terrorists being easier to find than husbands, and other things have obviously influenced things to revert back somewhat, a few years ago I was still thinking "oh well, at least most of dating is still going as well as can be expected."

And then these "girls" came along. Their message for the most part seems to be along the lines of "yes, the 50's are forever, and women cannot really be modern and equal to men in the relationship arena." Bleeech.

And I thought we'd gotten past thinking like this...

"We accepted that it was biological that man must pursue woman" -Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider
"This behavior "trains" the man to call for dates early in the week and to dote on their companion. After several months, the Rules leave him "conditioned" to feel that the only way to have access to her is to marry her, which is, after all, the big goal." -Mark McClusky
Talk about taking "men are dogs" literally...hello, Pavlov!

What scares me, though, is how many people are now believing that they can't have a decent relationship unless they play games to get the guy. ANY method to get a guy, just so long as it works, apparently. And reading things like this below just make me feel very depressed...are men REALLY this hopeless?

"ANYBODY who believe that a woman should expect a man to treat her with the same consideration she gives to him is living in a fairy tale! I am NOT blaming males here at all. It's because of the uncompromising bias that society places on women to be eternally nurturing wives, mothers, and mistresses that causes even the nicest man to easily turn against the female who is trying to love him. End of subject. Period. Men know it (and will NEVER admit it). Nurturing women go into denial about it." -Marie

For the record, I haven't read the book (I refuse to give them money), but have seen them on television and read their (liberally quoted from here) Web site, and despite a few rational things, feel very disturbed at the general message they send. Sure, they start out with "If you think The Rules are crazy, so did we." I don't know about crazy, but outright rude and deceptive at times seems right on.

Here's the first 22 rules. Read them for yourself and see what you think. Now in my opinion, rules 1, 8, 9, 15, 17, 19, and 20 seem appropriate for the dating scene. (Though I wonder about 15 and 17, if "The Rules" is just a more subtle way of fixing things). And the first ten rules they have on their page (not all the same as listed here) mostly seem rational. "Be a creature unlike any other" sounds cool, we've all heard "go to events even if you don't feel like it", "no fantasy relationships" makes sense, likewise "if they don't call, they're not interested." (Especially take note of THAT one) and "observe his behavior." I have no problems with this, but when it gets mixed in with other, more unpleasant rules...

Their stated purpose:

"The Rules is about honesty and self-esteem and testing a man's love and commitment."

Self-esteem I'll give them- totally chasing and crawling after someone who doesn't want you is godawful. Testing a man is sure true- over and over and over and over again, as you'll soon see. But honesty? Nope, I don't think so...

Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel, for the problems inherent in "The Rules"...

©2000 ELGONQUIN.COM. Content of individual entries ©2000 by the respective authors.

Portions of the article above, quoted for literary review and critical analysis purposes, are copyright Time, Inc.
Information about The Rules and original works may be found at the website http://www.therulesbook.com./