By now you've seen the pictures and heard about the 5 a.m. raid on the Gonzalez house in Miami Saturday morning. For me, it was sweet relief, it was justice, and it caused more aggravation than ever.

I generally try not to get personally involved in these human-interest stories. The intrusion of the media into what should be a private affair sickens me. Working here in Foggy Bottom, for a while I almost got used to the media shanty-town that had arisen outside the Watergate residences, ready to get one five-second shot of Monica Lewinsky and her mother Marcia Lewis.

But the culture of media celebrity in Washington is nothing compared to the glitz-craze of modern Miami, my true hometown. People eat up every taste of fame they can get there, and Elian was their perfect little celeb. Thus, the all-day, all-night vigils outside the Gonzalez house and the co-dependent 24-hour media watch.

This is why I've taken a personal interest in this story. This isn't so much about a little boy or Cuba policy or parental rights; it's about the psychopathology of Miami, my home city, an insane city, one that has no connection with the social norms or rules of the rest of America.

Dave Barry, himself a Miami resident for the last 20 years or so, once wrote about the Miami Law, sort of a corollary to Murphy's Law: Anything that can happen will happen weird if it happens in Miami. The Elian case is a perfect example of the Miami Law.

In the middle of the case are two innocents: the first-grade-aged boy in Miami and his father Juan Miguel in Cuba. Surrounding them is a warped cast of characters.

Fidel Castro: The Great Satan to Miami's Cuban community, and the object of opportunistic derision by the Cold War-era Republicans in the US Congress, Castro has decided to make the return of Elian his big issue at home. To show how caring he is for his people, Castro has shown pictures of the air-conditioned Havana bungalow Juan's family will get to occupy upon Elian's return. To make the move smoother for the boy, a dozen of his old schoolmates will be separated from their families so they can join him in school there. Castro apparently has an astounding sense of irony.

Janet Reno: President Clinton, in perhaps his biggest display of spinelessness yet, decided to leave the issue in Reno's hands so as not to mess with his unidentifiable "legacy." So much for the freedom of being a lame duck. This has meant that Reno, her hands sadly shaking uncontrollably from her worsening Parkinson's Disease, has become the big enemy of the people in Miami, also her hometown, because she has been put in the bizarre position of doing exactly what Castro has demanded.

Al Gore: The vice president did what he does best. He declared that the rights of the father would go first, and Elian should be sent home to Cuba. Then he broke with the administration and said that Elian, Juan, and Juan's wife and daughter should all get asylum and American citizenship. Then he said that he's been consistent all along. Right now, he looks like a doofus.

Lazaro Gonzalez: Juan's chain-smoking uncle, Lazaro apparently has not held a steady job in years, partially because he's reportedly spent some time in prison for drunk driving. But his newfound celebrity has put him on the bankroll of the anti-Castro CANF since the boy first appeared on Thanksgiving last year. Lazaro has also made completely unsubstantiated claims that his flesh-and-blood nephew Juan -- Elian's father -- is a hot-tempered, physically abusive man who beats his wife and kids. Lazaro also claimed that when Elian's grandparents came to visit from Cuba, one of them (not Lazaro's mother, I presume) fondled the boy. If Elian were to stay, this unsavory felon would be his father figure.

Marisleysis Gonzalez: Juan's cousin, this 21-year-old hysterical waif has declared herself in no uncertain terms to be Elian's surrogate mother, which I guess would make her 15 at the time of his surrogate birth. Marisleysis has proven herself to be an unstable basket case throughout this ordeal, her four trips to the hospital in the last year for "exhaustion" (even before the little boy arrived) being the least of that evidence. Before the raid and seizure of Elian, Marisleysis took to calling herself "the boy's mother," and she was the first to declare publicly that Elian was, in fact, the next Jesus Christ. She also publicized the appearance of the Virgin Mary in her mirror and orchestrated that transparent "No quiero a ir a Cuba" video that Elian was coached to do.

Donato Dalrymple: One of the "fishermen" who found Elian floating in his inner tube, Donato has stayed strangely close to the case. Actually, Donato is not a fisherman, but a housecleaner; Thanksgiving Day was, in fact, his first time fishing. Donato, the Kato Kaelin of this case, was the one holding Elian when the infamous AP photo was taken during the 5 a.m. raid. His ties to the family are tenuous at best, and he seems to be inviting himself along for the ride. "The Washington Post" ran an illuminating article about this mystery man.

After the raid, everything took a turn for the worse. The photo of a federal marshal in riot gear bursting through a door with a huge machine gun and grabbing Elian from Donato has seemingly already wrapped up this year's Pulitzer Prize. As the short attention span of the American public and the celebrity-crazed populace of Miami has made the perception of images far more critical than the circumstances of reality, the possibility of this vision was the only reason why Reno had avoided returning the child to his father. Although the marshal's gun is pointed down, and his finger is clearly not on the trigger, most people I've talked to have seen the photo as "the man pointing the gun at Elian." The Miami relatives have done their best to promote this perception.

Marisleysis cried and screamed on CNN for two straight days after the raid, clearly traumatized by the raid. Convinced she was Elian's mother, she equated the government's long overdue seizure of the child with "federal child abuse." She incoherently and angrily ranted about being lied to by Janet Reno and Bill Clinton, about Elian being drugged upon his seizure "because he screams if he doesn't see me, even for five seconds." In denial that Elian could be happy with anyone but herself, she claimed the post-raid photos of Elian's happy reunion with his father were faked. "That child is not Elian!" the drama queen cried. "I cut his hair. Cutting hair is a hobby of mine, and just three days ago, Elian asked me, he BEGGED me to cut his hair. 'PLEASE cut my hair,' he said. 'I look ugly!' And you can see in the photo with the gun pointed at him how short his hair is! And look how long his hair is in that other photo!"

But this is not just the story of one family; this is the story of a city. Cuban-Americans are by far the most powerful ethnicity in Miami, in numbers and in influence.

They consume media voraciously, especially Spanish-language radio and television. In Miami, Spanish-language TV channels 23 (Telemundo) and 51 (Univision) consistently trounce their English-language rivals during sweeps month. Spanish-language talk radio, however, is probably the most powerful medium in the community. It's pervasive and influential, and it's a powerful stoker of the flames of anti-Castroism.

Anybody who speaks to a Cuban-American will understand why they're anti-Castro. In his 41 years of rule, Castro has seized property, jailed opponents, and banned organized religion in a vibrant, energetic culture.

In coming to the U.S.A. to find freedom, however, many Cuban-Americans lose their taste for that freedom when it comes to the Castro issue. While you'd be hard-pressed to find many pro-Castro Americans, you will find many these days who feel that America's policy of cultural and economic embargo is counter-productive, and actually better supports Castro than a policy of engagement and economic growth would.

Much of Miami's Cuban community, however, is unable to distinguish between being anti-embargo and being pro-Castro. Thus, any attempted acts of anti-embargo activism or even concerts by Cuban musical artists are invitations for physical assault, because after all, if you're not pro-embargo, you're pro-Castro.

Adding fuel to this anti-Castro hysteria is many Cubans' third-world belief in religious mysticism. The supposed appearance of the Virgin Mary in the Gonzalezes' mirror is only the tip of the iceberg. Elian is seen by many in the Cuban community as Moses. The mythology is that Jesus sent a ring of dolphins to protect Elian in his inner tube, and God has delivered Elian to the exile community to lead them in the liberation of Cuba. Even Lazaro has been granted sainthood, and "El Nuevo Herald" has reported that women have brought their children to him to lay hands and cure them of disease.

Amazed? Annoyed? Pissed off yet?