Name: Calvin Voulger. Origin of name unknown.

Occupation: Feature writer for the Washington Post Sunday magazine and the ridiculously glossy "Washington Life" for suburban soccer parents.

Born: October 8, 1970, ass-backwards in Northampton, Mass.

Lost virginity: October 8, 1986. Birthday present.

High school: Graduated 19th in class of 180 at Hobart High in Springfield, Mass. Sports editor of "Hobart Hallmark." Spanish club, Amnesty International, Earth club, Unity club.

Worst two years of my life: Utica, NY, 1993-95

Best three years of my life: Pittsburgh, PA, 1995-98

Secretly dislikes: Performing cunnilingus

Openly dislikes: The sick influence of the film "Swingers."

Secretly enjoys: Psychically assaulting my closeted, unapologetic frat-boy ex-housemate Sean.

Favorite band: Husker Du, or any of Bob Mould's other projects

Claim to fame: I was the unnamed teenager who sued Adam Horovitz of the Beastie Boys for assault in 1988. He really did hit me very hard. I won $40,000, which covered my first two years at Oberlin.

My life: If you only knew.